An Infectious Disease Called Love
by pyrrhicvictoly
Summary: Somewhere, somehow, Yuuri had been infected with Conrad’s bad puns.


**8/1/10 Edit:** The site messed with the formatting - now it's fixed and should read as it did before. I may have to go back and rewrite this one someday... Originally, this branched off from _Conqueror_, which is on extended hiatus. So this is essentially a one-shot.

* * *

Conrad was a little worried about his king. Lately, Yuuri Heika had been more distracted than usual. Of course the Maou had a tendency to daydream a bit while doing paperwork, but something serious was going on this time. He seemed troubled, and when the Maou was troubled, so was his most faithful vassal.

What truly bothered Conrad, however, was not just that Yuuri was unfocused and skittish most of the time, but that these problems got worse whenever Conrad was around.

It hurt him to think that he could be the cause of Yuuri's discomfort, so being the loyal soldier that he was, Conrad set off down the corridors in search of his missing king. Conrad turned into the empty hallway where Yuuri was hiding, avoiding him.

"Heika!"

"Oh… Hey, Conrad…" _Caught!_ Yuuri squirmed.

"Heika, is there something wrong?"

"It's Yuuri, Nazukeoya! And why would you think there was something wrong? I'm just fine! Haha…ha… ha?"

He didn't look fine at all. Conrad walked closer and peered down at Yuuri's face. His hands came up to cup Yuuri's cheeks as he examined the younger man. "Your face is flushed, Heika. Are you sure you're all right?"

This, however… This having Conrad's face mere inches away from his! And having him look down with those warm brown eyes full of gentle concern! This just made Yuuri blush even brighter, and feel extremely guilty about everything.

He couldn't think! He had to get away!

"Ah… Ah, I'm f-fine, really! I've gotta go, though! Yeah, it's probably getting pretty late on Earth; I should go…back… It's a school day tomorrow…Test! I'm nervous about a test!"

Somehow, Yuuri managed to extricate himself from his guard and set off to the bathroom. "I'll s-see you soon, Conrad."

He turned and fled, and tried to erase the image of Conrad's disappointed face from his mind.

It all started when… No, Yuuri wasn't exactly sure when it began. It could have slowly crept up on him like a parasite waiting to drain away his life force, or it could have been lying dormant within him for who knows how long, like a benign tumor suddenly turned malignant cancer.

However, he'd first noticed it during a conversation with Shori, and that was _months_, almost a _year_ ago. They had been talking about former Maous of Shin Makoku and their decidedly unfriendly nicknames. Yuuri really would have appreciated it if some of them had less bloodthirsty tendencies, and then his mind wandered off to the new store that just opened up downtown, The Mattress King, and thought that would make a nice, non-violent name for a Maou.

"Well…maybe that would be a little too 'soft' for a Maou. Heheh. Waitaminute. 'Soft'? Aaah! Conrad's bad puns are rubbing off on me! I'm infected!"

Oh, but that might be too _soft_ for the Demon King. Haha. Ha. It is to laugh.

Rather than that incident being a one-time deal, it was only getting worse as time went by. Back then, it was just something that happened occasionally and didn't affect his life much, so Yuuri ignored it for as long as he could.

It got worse when Yuuri was next to Conrad in Shin Makoku. It got worse when Yuuri was thinking of Conrad while he was on Earth, too. The solution, then, was to not think about Conrad at all, which was proving to be harder than he'd expected, especially when everything seemed to come back to the soldier and his infernal sparkly-sparkly smile.

Baseball reminded him of Conrad, so when Yuuri was watching the World Series, his mind kept thinking in puns, like how the announcer had a high-_pitched_ voice and that the #12 who just struck out sure had a thing for _foul_ language. None of this would _strike_ him as being particularly funny at all. His favorite pastime was ruined!

On top of that, blue flowers made him think of Conrad's flower, which made him think of Conrad. Ducks, baths, and water all made him think of rubber duckies, which made him think of Conrad. All those video game characters, with their swords and military outfits… They kind of looked like Conrad, too.

After weeks of telling himself NOT to think of his godfather, Yuuri's mental condition was still steadily worsening, and to top it all off he still had no idea why this was happening. Eventually, Yuuri started seeing Conrad in just about everything. It got to the point where flowers in general could make him think of Conrad, as could the color blue, the color brown, and anytime someone said Yuuri's name or mentioned the month of July. Hell, anytime someone even _smiled _his mind would drift to Conrad, which meant that dentists and toothpaste weren't safe topics either.

And of course, whenever he saw or thought of Conrad, the bad puns attacked. It was undeniable now. Somewhere, somehow, Yuuri had been infected with Conrad's stupid sense of humor, except he didn't even like any of the jokes he thought up. Yuuri was doomed. His funny bone was bruised, broken, and compound-fractured. He was going to die of this mysterious new illness.

"Here lies Shibuya Yuuri," he said _gravely_, "Killed by word-play. The pun is mightier than the sword."

-oOo-

It was Friday afternoon and Yuuri was in his last class at the University. Most of his history and political science classes were rather boring, but Yuuri tried to force himself to pay attention because they might be useful for Maou-type things in the future.

The lecture consisted of kings, kings, and more kings, with the occasional queen and/or prime minister mixed in for good measure. Legends surrounding some king and how he supposedly never died. _Old kings never die; they just get throne away._

The girl who sat behind Yuuri was a real chatterbox. She was always whispering to her friends about something while the professor droned on. Today's gossip revolved around a friend of a friend of a friend whose older boyfriend was a carpenter and just bought a new sports car. _I… bet he drives a Lumberghini._

Yuuri sighed in defeat and sank into his seat. "Aah~ What am I going to do?" The teacher shushed him and the girl glared at him for interrupting her conversation.

Class ended soon after, but Yuuri was far from relieved. He had baseball practice right after school, and the puns were always the worst when it came to baseball.

"Get it together," he told himself, "You can do this! A pun is coming at you so you pick up your bat and swing! It's a hit! Pop-fly! The last time I saw pop fly was when I knocked over my soda! Go, Yuuri, go! Play ball!"

After warming up and chatting with his teammates, he was feeling a little better. The players' abilities were steadily improving and everyone was excited for the game next weekend. Luckily, it looked like he was all out of baseball puns, having used them up during previous practices. He hoped that was it, anyway.

A new member, Kimura, was up to bat. Yuuri crouched down and got ready to catch. Just as Kimura bunted the ball, Suzuki's girlfriend came by with refreshments for the team. Water, iced tea, sandwiches, and…a Bundt cake. It just _had _to be a Bundt cake. Yuuri groaned. The pain was almost physical.

He spaced out at that moment, and when the third baseman threw the ball to him, it slammed into his side instead.

"OW!" He keeled over, lying in the dirt with a soft thud. Even with all the padding, it still _hurt_.

"Oh my god! You just beaned the catcher!"

"Are you okay, Shibuya?"

The ball rolled into his mitt while he was on the ground, jest to mock him.

-oOo-

Yuuri woke up one Saturday morning and came to the belated realization that he, Shibuya Yuuri Harajuku Furi, 27th Maou of Shin Makoku…was madly in love. And to think…it only took being hit with a fastball to knock it into him. Literally.

The feelings had wormed their way into his heart so slowly over the years that he hadn't even noticed. He had never suspected that the strong platonic love he had for his constant protector had evolved into a romantic feeling. If he had fallen in love, then that was one hell of a slow-motion fall. Definitely worthy of a dramatic Matrix style re-enactment, he thought.

He stayed in bed for a while, just staring at the ceiling with a silly grin, thinking about Conrad. When he got downstairs, his father was reading the newspaper and his mother was in the kitchen making pancakes. Yuuri usually preferred the Japanese style breakfasts, but today he couldn't care less. Jennifer brought the plates to the table while chattering happily in the background.

"Listen up, Yuu-chan. The secret to life, the universe, relationships and good cooking is to start with good foundations. For pancakes, that means good batter!"

"Uh-huh," he replied. _Yes, that's right. Whether it's a pancake or a baseball team, the secret is to start with a good batter_, his pun-addled mind helpfully supplied. He stopped mid-chew to stare through the walls.

"Mou~ Yu-chan! Close your mouth – you're starting to drool."

"Huh? Oh, yeah!" Yuuri snapped to attention, scrambling to get out of his seat. "I have to go back! I forgot to do something in Shin Makoku!"

"At least finish your breakfast before you go! And remember not to talk with your mouth full next time!"

"Right. Got it. I'll be going now!" He rushed back upstairs.

"…Boys. They're so dirty…"

-oOo-

"Conrad!"

"Welcome back, Heika."

Yuuri burst up from the fountain and immediately spotted the other man waiting for him with a fluffy towel and a calm smile. It was dark outside and no one else was around, but Conrad seemed to have an internal Maou-radar of sorts that could home in on Yuuri whenever he arrived in Shin Makoku.

Yuuri felt his emotions rise up stronger than ever and he launched himself at Conrad, wrapping his dripping arms around the man who had taken over all his thoughts, lily pad still firmly sitting on his head and all. Conrad calmly lifted the offending vegetation from the Maou's head and returned the squishy, clammy hug with an almost inaudible sigh of happiness.

So it wasn't quite the standard romantic reunion, and the squeak of wet sneakers wasn't exactly a romantic symphony, but it was very Yuuri, and Conrad thought that this was perfect in its imperfection. All of a sudden, Yuuri leaned up and planted a clumsy kiss on his half-parted lips. It tasted like stagnant pond water, and that was perfect, too.

Yuuri leaned back, worrying his bottom lip nervously. Conrad closed his eyes, wrapped his arms tighter and gave Yuuri a soft kiss of his own.

Freshly washed and dried, Yuuri came back out to the courtyard where Conrad was gazing up at the moon. They shared a few more small kisses and sat on the stone bench with Conrad's arms wrapped around Yuuri, the two of them just enjoying each other's company in comfortable silence. The Maou rested his head on his love's shoulder.

"You know," Yuuri started, "for a while there I thought I was going crazy. I couldn't stop thinking about you and then I came up with all these bad puns because they reminded me of you. I thought for sure your sense of humor was some sort of contagious disease…"

Conrad smiled into the younger man's hair. "Hmm? Maybe Yuuri was just love-sick."

"Noooo! That's horrible! (Not to mention cliché.) Stop it!"

Conrad gave one of his little silent laughs; the ones where you couldn't tell if he was really laughing or not. But Yuuri could tell this time because he could feel the chuckling pulsate against his back, strong and steady. Just like Conrad.

Yuuri laughed and loved alongside him.


End file.
